The only profession that gives you more vague advice than solicitors is surveyors when they produce your “buyer’s report”.

When you receive it, you are relieved and pleased to learn that your future home is in sound condition, but less pleased to read that this conclusion has been arrived at despite the surveyor not being able to look under the carpets or behind the wallpaper or in the loft because he forgot his torch or in the cellar because he is scared of spiders.

The final paragraph that asks you to pay £800 contains surprisingly few caveats.

My piece of reckless advice is, don’t bother with a survey. Take a nice local builder with you instead. Use the money that you saved to pay for a billboard poster that says, “Surveyors and Solicitors are bastards.”